Vasselheim's Red Velvet Cabaret: 0 stars

Fact Sheet: a zero-star review for the brother The Red Velvet Cabaret

Players present: Ecchima, Marty, Meinhart and Vinnie. Dins was excused. Tuur was our GM.

Date: 13-09-23

Major developments:

We agreed that neither the characters nor the setting are part of the main campaign From The Wandering Isle
after several fan fiction scene, Meinhart had his first actual character death… followed by a TPK!

Notes

We meet our four characters in their hometown Vasselheim. This is the oldest city in the world, and because it’s directly linked to the prime pantheon of this plane, the city is considered a beacon of and for all that is good in this world.

Tonight is the night of Ascension, when one of the gods ascended to godhood. From the highest noble to the lowliest street rat, everyone celebrates in their own way, all day and all night. Obviously, the city guard, called The Bastion, is on duty. For 24 hours they’re not as picky with regards to their volunteers and subcontractors… which brings us back to our characters: for different reasons we’re not celebrating. Rather, we’re joining the Bastion for one shift only.

It's late afternoon as we get acquainted with the 4 characters who’ll form an extra team for one shift during the Ascension celebrations:

Zanni (Ecchima), a gangly war-forged who reschooled as a bard. He wears a jester hat with bells as well as a mask without nose or mouth. Although a lot of his behaviour is very uncanny, he doesn’t hide took someone’s purse. Now he’s learnt that’s apparently a bad thing, so he's here to carry out his punishment
Azat (Marty), a very religious dwarf who loves both order and his order of clerics. He volunteered to make sure the Ascension is celebrated without any hiccoughs
Aldret (Meinhart) is another dwarf, a little younger than Azat. Aldret is a scholar of architecture. He offered his meagre healing talents as a means to join The Bastion of a shift, hoping to access buildings he hasn't been able to visit before
Frerkeërkiss (Vinnie), a little gnome with naturally purple hair and bright green skin, both of which he rubs with ash in order to dim their natural exuberance, so it’s easier to hide in any convenient shadow. He considers most laws are classist and views himself as a Robin Hood figure. All he’s willing to share, is that this shift counts as part of his community service, but he refuses to divulge why he’d need to be punished

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In accordance with our briefing, we start wandering the snowy streets, keeping an eye the side walk cafés, the celebrants ranging from children in a sugar rush to steady drunks who imbibed too much despite the celebration only being halfway, the food stalls, the twinkling lights being lit, the pious chanting and the others dancing…

Suddenly we hear a cry for help, begging The Bastion to intervene. Frerkeërkiss is startled, until he remembers that right now, he is The Bastion, so there’s no need to hide. It's another gnome, wearing a platinum holy symbol of the platinum dragon. He's looking very rich. He explains his master has been killed! High bearer Vord is one of the main priests of the platinum dragon. As one of the official religions, this priest was the de facto leader of the city of Vasselheim & since he's an elf, he has been for many centuries.

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As we follow the gnome towards the crime scene, he explains he’s Finneas, high bearer Vord's caretaker. Today he had to follow his 861 year old master into a very fancy brothel the Red Velvet Cabaret. Vord said it came to him in a dream. Finneas had to wait outside, but when Vord didn't come out, he went inside to investigate. They told him Vord died & he saw his master's dead body. When Finneas starts hyperventilating, Frerkeërkiss offers him a comforting hug, during which he steals Finneas’ purse, with 35 platinum pieces. Frerkeërkiss immediately starts to distribute the coins to beggars, drunks and kids playing in the streets.

Finneas warns us that the brothel keepers want to keep this under wraps, and maintain Vord died of natural causes. They tried to stop Finneas when he announced his intent to investigate. He wants to have all the info before the news comes out & before he has to inform Vord's 300 year old daughter that her father is dead, in a brothel, during a holy celebration, depriving the city of its leader after centuries of stability… and that she’ll have to succeed him now.

Finneas starts hyperventilating again. Frerkeërkiss suggests he's a gnome of a noble family and with this deception he manages to calm Finneas down. Zanni asks if Vord had any enemies, but Finneas doesn’t think so.

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When we arrive at the Red Velvet Cabaret, we meet 2 guards in front of the Velvet Cabaret: a human woman and a male dragonborn. They're drinking on duty, endearing them immediately to Zanni, even though the guards attempt to refuse us entry & push Finneas around.

Azat slams the door open with thaumaturgy. 2 people, both wearing purple, turn up at the door, and recognizing us as Bastion volunteers, they welcome us inside.

Pseam, a strapping handsome man ushers us inside towards a table
Psearasma, a sinuous beautiful woman scolds her guards for drinking on the job & threatening the Bastion.

Soon, they both turn to us, expressing their hope we’re here to discretely remove the body. We refuse to take our duty as temporary Bastion this lightly, though, so we insist we need to investigate.

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We start our investigation with the witness sitting at one of the tables. She’s Iagnea, a pink, very pretty tiefling scantily clad in a sexy negligée. She is crying her eyes out, because she’s convinced she somehow murdered the High Bearer Vord!

Frerkeërkiss wonders if the old guy just died from seeing the most beautiful person in the world. Psearasma, the madam concurs that perhaps Vord died because the "act" was too much for his frail old body. Frerkeërkiss jumps on Iagnea’s lap to console her. With a flourish Zanni pats her hand.

Through her sobs and stutters, we puzzle out what happened: Iagnea was bartending as usual, because she’s not often invited as the sexy talent of the Cabaret. When Vord walked in, he immediately told Psearasma that Iagnea was the girl from his dreams. At the madam’s nod, Iagnea took Vord up to the cushion room, where she started to undress. She adds he wanted her to undress quicker, so she complied. As soon as she was in the nude, she walked over to Vord on the bed & when she came closer, his hand went to his chest & he fell down on the bed. He stopped breathing! Upset, she ran downstairs, after which Psearasma confirmed Vord had unfortunately died.

Azat's question reveals Vord drank wine downstairs and a cup of tea upstairs. When Aldret prods a little, Psearasma the madam confirms the tea is often served to help male performance. Somehow Frerkeërkiss isn’t getting the full picture, so Aldret starts an awkward explanation about sex and interspecies copulation…

Azat isn’t deterred by the uncomfortable subject though and continues interrogating Iagnea and Psearasma. The madam is quite sure this was Vord's first visit to the Red Velvet Cabaret. In fact, his visit was a shock, because he's been quite vocal about opposing the existence of brothels in Vasselheim. Azat and Aldret confirm that Vord ordered 2 drinks for Pseam, who took over as the bartender: a glass red wine he drank downstairs & a cup of that infamous stallion tea he took upstairs.

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We decide:

Zanni and Azat are going to investigate the glass in the kitchen. Zanni doesn't have a sense of smell, so he reckons he’ll have to work closely with Azat
Frerkeërkiss and Aldret will check out Vord’s body in the cushion room.

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Psearasma wants to check on their only other guest, a woman who needed lodgings. She's rented the aquarium room, a guest favourite. She's paying a lot of money to rent the room for the entire week. Her name is Igratia, a noble woman from out of town, apparently looking to combine business and pleasure, hence her decision to spend the Ascension celebration in a brothel. Her room is opposite the cushion room, where she also indulged in the carnal pleasures.

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Madam Psearasma leads Frerkeërkiss and Aldret towards the cushion room on the first floor. As we reach the landing on the first floor, we see some chairs, a more discreet place to watch the centre stage in the middle of the barroom where a dancer might perform.

Another woman is sitting there, very dramatically reclining in one of the plush chairs. She has a golden shimmer over her skin, like dragon scales. It's either very good makeup or a very special magical effect.

Frerkeërkiss jumps on a nearby chair to greet her. Floga the dragon's daughter gently mocks Iagnea as the most dramatic of the workers here. She was quite disbelieving when Vord chose Iagnea, who looks like a farm girl, she even has horns like a cow.

With a sigh, Psearasma asks that Floga keeps her opinions to herself, unless we ask her a question. She explains which door opens to the cushion room, with an apology: she has some paperwork she wants to get in order for the investigation. We get her personal key, a wonderful golden object that’ll grant us access to any place we want.

Aldret and Frerkeërkiss enter the cushion room. Literally the whole room is made of cushions, it's got a trampoline vibe. Vord is half naked, face down on the bed, his butt sticking up. Beyond seeing how old and frail Vord looks, Frerkeërkiss doesn't really find anything. We wonder how death changes people, Vord never seemed this weak when he was performing his public duties.

Aldret doesn't recognize the stallion tea; the tiny sample he takes doesn't seem to indicate any poison.

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Meanwhile Azat and Zanni walk around the podium in the middle of the barroom with Pseam, who gestures to some magical instruments. They start playing on their own, as Pseam give a small smile that he hopes to alleviate the atmosphere. He got them from a magical market, they're very useful.

He explains the layout of the ground floor:

a greenroom for the performers
some cheap rooms for impatient guests
a red room where more discreet guests can make their choice
a tiny kitchen tucked behind the bar. They’re not really serving full meals here

The kitchen is very small, nothing really special. People don't come here for a meal. The kitchen hasn't been used much today: in late afternoon, the establishment hasn't had many guests yet. It’s easy for Azat to find the glass. Pseam leaves them to their investigation, as he needs the loo.

Azat also takes a tiny sample, using his brewer's skills! Alas, it's a NATURAL ONE, so he can't really discern anything & can't even explain the taste to Zanni, who’s never eaten or drunk anything. When Zanni encourages him, he tries again & with a NATURAL TWENTY he recognizes the wine as a very good vintage from a local vineyard! It tastes very good & not poisonous. Azat instantly falls in love with this vintage.

Zanni inspects the glass & sees there's only one set of lips on the glass.

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Behind them, Illachee an old halfling woman in a cook's apron steps out of the pantry. She excuses herself, she was getting the snacks in order for the long night ahead. Azat takes one last look around to make sure nothing looks out of place. Illachee starts cooking & offers them a bite. Zanni declines, but Azat flatters her & she's quite pleased to make him an omelette and toast, and even pours him another glass of that lovely vintage... on the condition they go on a date once the investigation is complete. She brings him the bottle from the red room.

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Zanni stealthily snuck out, leaving Azat to his flirting. Illachee is not a sex worker, so she's not as direct about it, but her intent is obvious to everyone except Azat. Zanni wanders through the ground floor & opens any door that's not locked.

Some makeup and body oil in the greenroom, nothing remarkable
a locked door which appears to lead outside
the red room where Illachee got Azat's wine - this is where the richer guests can get lap dances. Zanni tries to change the red crystal glittering in the chandelier in the redroom with prestidigitation & thanks to a NATURAL TWENTY he changes it to a blue crystal
another locked door, is this the toilet where Pseam is taking a dump…? Zanni moves on
A cheaper room, where drunk guests can sleep off their intoxication for cheap.

Zanni snoops in every space, but doesn't really spot anything of note.

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As Aldret and Frerkeërkiss are milling around the cushion room, Gibson the butler steps out of the upstairs toilets in the same part of the first floor corridor. Frerkeërkiss whispers that the butler is usually the one who did it! Gibson immediately sputters he's not a sex worker, it's his job to be invisible and make sure everything goes smoothly.

Frerkeërkiss winks at Aldret he wants to be good cop, so Aldret has to be bad cop. Gibson maintains he was cleaning the other rooms while Vord was killed, either the mirror room or the oil room. He was already done with the one-sided mirror room, the chain room & the whip room. The candy room is next, now he’s done with the toilets. Frerkeërkiss reassures Aldret that this is a good guy and we don't have to suspect him anymore. Aldret pretends to roar in berserker rage over the frustration & swings his axe about everywhere. Gibson looks a little pale at the display.

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Downstairs, Zanni and Azat hear Aldret's roars. Azat makes his way upstairs after a cheeky goodbye from Illachee. Floga is also very intently listening to the shouting, her day is looking more interesting than expected.

Azat shouts QUIET with thaumaturgy. When Azat joins us, Frerkeërkiss winks this is the butler. Azat doesn't pick up the hint... We agree to let the butler leave as we prepare to compare notes.

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Zanni finds out the last door is locked & crosses over to the table near the entrance where Iagnea is still crying. Zanni stares at her. Very slowly he reaches out to dry her tears & with a slight of hand, he also samples her deep red lipstick. She's a bit shocked, but when Zanni makes a rusty sound with prestidigitation, suggesting his hand is malfunctioning a bit & that’s why he touched her lips, she becomes professional again: have you ever been touched sensually? It’s a little disconcerting how quickly she shifts between her professional persona and the traumatized and worried girl who witnessed a murder/death…

When Zanni expresses discomfort, Iagnea's relieved because right now she's not up for sex. Her lipstick is deep red to contrast with her skin, both fashionable and whore-ish. What’s with this keyboard? After a while spent comforting her, Zanni heads upstairs. As he ascends the stairs, Zanni spots Pseam leaving the toilet (finally) on the ground floor. When he reaches the parapet on the first floor, he meets Floga who also tries to sell her wares to this exotic warforged… but Zanni slinks by her and joins the others in the cushion room.

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Aldret and Azat roll over Vord. It's quite grisly, he's cold and rigor mortis is starting. He's got a smile on his face, which is quite creepy right now. All of us can see lipstick imprints on his neck, of a very light purple lipstick. It's now more clear that he looks different from how we knew him as a public figure: he's weak and scrawny, pale and very skinny instead of strong and charismatic. Did he get drained? We don't see any marks! Did he usually use minor illusion when he was in public or something? We can't tell.

Aldret spots Vord's robes on the bed, under the body. Vord had a little pouch with 15 platinum pieces, his platinum holy symbol, a leather bound personal planner. On today's date he wrote down the festival & we realise he's an hour late for a feast in the platinum sanctuary.

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As we're discussing the political ramifications of both his death and potentially his murder, we hear the aquarium room open. A lady walks out, dressed in exotic robes, probably from a different country. She's wearing an orange lipstick. She apologizes for interrupting, but have we found anything yet?

Aldret cracks his knuckles "does the murderer return to the scene of the crime". When he yanks her into the cushion room, she's flustered and flattered, since apparently she likes a bit of rough trade. This is Igratia, the single guest madam Psearasma had mentioned before. Eventually we get her story out of her:

she'd booked Floga for this hour although she cancelled now
she was just waiting in her room, the aquarium room, where she likes being watched by fishes and jellyfish
she heard a scream & saw the pink tiefling run out, sobbing and crying that the high bearer was dead

Figuring that would be a disaster, she quietly returned to her room, to wait for the officials. She’s pleased we’ve now arrived.

With a slow, sensuous smile, she suggests she has personal evidence for Frerkeërkiss in her room. When we try to follow, Igratia and Frerkeërkiss work together to keep us out. Zanni casts unseen servant to spy on them. Inside the room, Igratia admits she was just flirting and hoping to get Frerkeërkiss alone. She doesn't really have any evidence to show. Frerkeërkiss grins that he’s not surprised.

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As Azat and Zanni are clustered around the door to the aquarium room, Aldret starts checking the rooms, looking for Gibson the butler. He can't hear him & all the doors are locked. Working with the madam's key takes a while.

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In the aquarium room, the perverted fish stare at Frerkeërkiss and Igratia: they were enchanted to observe the guests, no matter what they’re doing.

Lounging on her waterbed, Igratia whispers she just wants to sink into Frerkeërkiss’ eyes, as deep as an ocean. Her beautiful eyes twinkle and all wisdom flies from his mind. In a dream he sees the best that could ever happen between them. Telepathically, he hears her say "you're such a good boy, how about you go back downstairs & convince your friends that there's nothing weird going on here. If someone were to attack me or any of my employees, why don't you kill them for me".

Igratia turns ethereal and vanishes through the wall. Zanni just saw they were staring into her eyes till she vanishes...

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Aldret finds the chain room, the whip room, the oil room with an ankle deep puddle on the floor, the candy room, the mirror room, and finally in the last room, the one-sided window room, Aldret finds the butler.

Aldret fakes an apology for his anger during their previous conversation: murderers messing with the livelihood of hardworking working people are just so frustrating. Aldret thinks the Velvet Cabaret is done for: even if none of the employees are punished, surely the establishment will be destroyed over this shameful secret, and Gibson the faithful and efficient butler will find himself in the streets.

Gibson declares he's very dedicated to working here and his discretion is absolute! Aldret pushes Gibson back on the bed with his war axe, but Gibson maintains he's never noticed anyone with purple lipstick. Aldret mocks him for not noticing such a detail about his colleagues and his employers.

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Downstairs, Azat notices that one of the doors Zanni couldn't open, is indeed leading to outside.

In the red room (now blue) he pockets another bottle of his favourite wine. In the makeup room he looks around for purple lipstick, and eventually he has to conclude there's no exact colour match here. When his eyes passes over the mirrors, he notices some shadowy faces in the mirrors! It looks like Vord's face is among them! He starts to investigate but he's just not sure. He decides to go find madam Psearasma.

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Zanni and Frerkeërkiss meet up outside of the room. Frerkeërkiss wants to buy flowers for Igratia, as he smiles up at Zanni that nothing sinister is happening here, so let's go back to our patrol. Zanni points to the body, but Frerkeërkiss thinks he just died of old age.

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Azat sees Illachee again: she made him another snack, but they're interrupted by Gibson shouting in frustration at Aldret.

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Gibson is furious at Aldret, and screams: Orillia is not going to be happy about this, but I just can't take people like you who push and push and keep asking questions instead of just going with the flow. Gibson’s skin turns red, wings unfurl behind him, a devilish person takes a swing at Aldret.

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Downstairs, Illachee sighs that her husband is always so impatient. Her accent changed as she looks sadly at Azat & puts down the food.

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Iagnea looks up "is it done, can I finally stop crying now"
Zanni tries to stab Gibson with rapier & shortsword, but only the rapier hits & doesn't do as much damage as hoped
Illachee sighs "it's such a sad thing I already had to charm someone, because you're very charming Azat. Maybe I'll keep your soul around to look at". With that she vanishes into the floor. Frerkeërkiss hears in his head "well, kill them please"
Azat uses command on Iagnea to force her to flee, but she resists. The tears have vanished from her eyes as she defiantly stares back at Azat
Frerkeërkiss steps into the room with Gibson, Zanni and Aldret. Unexpectedly he stabs Aldret. He slips back out of the room, ready for another sneak attack
Gibson licks his fangs and declares My name is Voxnir and I'm the last thing you'll ever see. Thanks for Zanni's silvery barbs, Voxnir's fists miss Aldret. With that reprieve Aldret can resist his next attack when Gibson/Voxnir fires a ray of fire into Aldret's face
Aldret disengages and runs out of the room, slipping past Frerkeërkiss
Floga perks up "finally some action" as Aldret comes hurtling around the corner onto the parapet. She launches a fireball! Aldret can mostly evade it but it still hurts

1. Iagnea muses that the mistress really liked Azat, more's the pity. She tries to stab him, but she misses twice. She pouts a bit

2. Zanni stabs Voxnir & pushes him into the furthest corner before rushing by Aldret, hurrying towards the stairs

3. Illachee whispers to Frerkeërkiss "we can be together, if only you kill them - don't worry, their souls will still be around to watch us"

4. Azat swings his war hammer at Iagnea, invoking his god... but misses. He calls upon his spiritual weapon, putting the holy hammer right behind her. She's hit in the back of her head.

5. Frerkeërkiss dashes in pursuit of Aldret but his rapier misses

6. with an enraged scream Voxnir arrives next to Frerkeërkiss & attacks Aldret again.

7. Aldret stumbles away & tries to open the madam's office with the golden key, but the key doesn't work. Aldret stumbles up to Zanni

8. Floga casts burning hands & launches a cone of fire at both Zanni and Aldret. Aldret falls unconscious

Iagnea stabs Azat & dashes up the stairs. When she arrives next to Floga, she pants in excitement
Zanni disengages & runs towards the stairs, yelling it doesn't look very good up here
the madam remains invisible
Azat arrives upstairs & sees a charred and smoking Aldret downed. He fires a guiding bolt at Iagnea but misses. He repositions the spiritual weapon
Frerkeërkiss chases after Zanni & hits him with his rapier
despite his wings, Voxnir chooses to run, stumbling over tables and chairs
Aldret wins a death save
Floga says she's been craving a fight all day, so she doesn't care what the madam said & she casts burning hands at everyone, meaning Zanni, Azat and Frerkeërkiss. For a second Zanni sees confusion on Frerkeërkiss’ face, but then the infatuation descends again

1. Iagnea attacks Zanni with her dagger and her rapier... and Zanni goes down. She goes back to check Aldret is truly out of the count

2. Zanni wins a death save

3. the madam remains invisible

4. Azat holds person on Frerkeërkiss, who's paralysed for a full minute. Azat retreats down the stairs & sends his spiritual weapon into the fight

5. Frerkeërkiss remains paralysed by Azat's spell. He tries to call out mentally that he's trying but can't follow Igratia/ Psearasma’s orders

6. Voxnir chases after Azat, who asks him "why". Voxnir grumbles he's very self-conscious about the fact he can't fly. Incredulous, Azat retorts that's not what he’s asking... and he hears Illachee/ Psearasma’s ethereal voice promising she’ll explain

7. Aldret succeeds a death save

8. Floga casts a bonfire on Aldret "I'll warm him up for you, mistress"

Iagnea walks up to Frerkeërkiss "I don't think we'll be needing you anymore" & very slowly pushes her dagger into his throat. Without any resistance, not even blinking, Frerkeërkiss falls to the ground, dying
Zanni fails a death save
the madam appears again, a beautiful devil like Voxnir, but flying. As promised, she starts explaining: “I never intended to kill Vord but when I had him in my bed, his righteous soul was too much to resist”. She kisses Frerkeërkiss and sucks out his soul... As the only witness, Azat slowly feels his understanding dawn on him: this incubus imprisons souls in her mirror! The entire brothel is just a façade… which is why Psearasma and Pseam shapeshift into so many different characters
Horrified by this realisation & grimly understanding his friends are dead, Azat drops his spiritual weapon & dashes to the exit. Alas, the door is locked. With a sigh, he takes a seat & opens his stolen bottle of wine.

The madam collects the souls of Aldret and Zanni. She comes over to share a glass of wine with Azat & when he's ready, he drains the bottle & she drains him of his soul.

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When the professional paladins of the city guards Bastion arrive to investigate, all traces of wrongdoing have been erased. The official inquiry is quickly wrapped up with the conclusion that Vord had a secret appetite for sexual vices, and died of natural causes. Finneas is inconsolable, till Vord’s daughter asks him to join her retinue.

That 4 random volunteers didn’t return from their patrol as auxiliary Bastion guards, is barely a footnote in this annals of this Ascension celebration.